The Giordano Rules: The Art of Memory

 

Everything Old Is Nu-Again: Mike David Is Watching

Chicago, this is Sam, and the reason I love Chicago is because Steve and Garry gave me this town. They're my buddies. You're listening to them right now. Rock and roll with them. I wish I was here, because if I was, I could get us off the air. I know it. Oh! Oh!

Hi, this is Sam. Listen, have you had enough of Steve and Garry? I don't think so. If you haven't, call this number. Call 976-8686 for the Steve and Garry hotline for more rock and roll craziness. Yes! Oh! Oh!

Welcome to Contemporary American History. I'm Professor Turgison, and a lot of people think history is just facts, it's just information about the past. But not me. I mean, I hold history very sacred. Sacred. The way the farmer looks at the earth and he holds it sacred. The way a Christian takes the Bible and he holds it sacred. The way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred. That's how I feel about it. So why don't we dive? We're going to dive right in by interpreting one of the easiest events in the last 20 years of American history.

Now, can someone tell me why in 1975 we pulled our troops out of Vietnam?

The failure of Vietnamization to impart their support caused an ongoing erosion of confidence in the various American but illegal Saigon regimes.

Is she right?

No. Because I know that's the popular version of what went on there, and a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was there. I wasn't here in a classroom, hoping I was right, thinking about it. I was up on my knees in rice paddies with guns in it, going up against Charlie, slugging it out with him, while pussies like you were back there partying, putting headbands on, doing drugs, listening to the goddamn Beatle albums. Oh! Oh! Oh! 

Hi, this is Sam. You know, whenever I'm in Chicago, I like to turn on The Loop. And when you say the word scumbag, there's only two guys, well, maybe three if you include me, but there's only two guys that really live up to the scumbag name. And that's, of course, my good friends and partners in crime, Steve and Garry. Oh! Oh! Scumbag! 

I just came in on the tail end of it.

Did Santa come yet, Garry? Garry, I kind of, everything was kind of planned around 3 o'clock. Now, the schedule's off. He's self-contained, babe. We broadcast until he gets here. Really, come on, if he's, we have to go through this every time. We're not going to have any more guests because it drives me nuts. See here, Rick comes in. Should I call? Hey, he'll be, he might not even show up. It's Sam.

Really.

Gary, and I'd hate for that to happen after that heartbreaking Christmas where you didn't get anything. Yeah, see? Everything's hinged on that. Yeah, so maybe that's why, maybe that's why you're so into it. But relax, he'll be here.

I know he will.

Okay?

There's somebody coming to the door. Garry is it him? 

No. No. There's somebody else. 

Is that him? 

Yeah, that's him. Yeah, that's him. All right. He's going the other way. No, this way! Come back! Go left! Go left! Go right!

Here we go. Now, we've got to tell him about, say stuff about that guy. Really, from Rolling Stone, I had a nightmare about it. He's going to libel him. He's going to say stuff. I know exactly what he's going to say. He's going to libel him. And then it's going to be our asses. You know, they've got a sales office in town. They're probably listening.

So, you just have to be careful. That's all.

That's all. That's all I ask.

Now, be careful. Whatever you do, whatever you do, don't libel the guy from Rolling Stone. Oh. The man that you guys had on your morning radio show. I didn't have a boy. That was Johnny. That was John Brandmeier, which is why I've never done his show. Thank you. But you know what he's doing. Hi, Sam. How are you? I can't hear you, bud. You love him more than me. See you. Is he here? I'll kill him. I'll cut his head off and make him taste it!

Oh, man. Isn't fame wonderful? Yeah. Appears to be fleeting. Oh.

Just kidding. Oh, gotcha. Just kidding. You put one Howard Stern thing on a record because he induced me to dance like a god! I did. Why? I wasn't even referring to that. Yeah, I know, but I heard some rumors. I hear things. We were hurt for a few days, but we got over it. How come we weren't thanked on the album? I don't know. I had nothing to do with that. No? I don't put those titles together. Oh. But I was kind of thinking that when I saw the HBO special with you guys with Richard Lewis, you know? The comic from hell. But, uh, yeah, if Columbo and Jerry Seinfeld had a kid, it would go something like this. Thank you. Bye.

Ah, you guys know you're my favorite? Come on. Who brought you Kevin's Suicide Exclusive? Remember that? That's right. Wasn't that beautiful, huh? That's right. That was a great moment. That's right. You're coming in from Milwaukee, we understand. Oh, I never catch this place in the right weather. No. What am I wearing these for? Because it's cold? Oh, but, oh, there it is. The volume. Great. Yeah, I always like, there, I can hear myself. Ah, yes. You sound hot, don't you? Last time I was here, it was like, well, we're in the middle of the dust bowl. Yeah, it was very hot. I come this time. Yeah, it's about 60 below. It's about 60 below right now. I like this weather, though. You like this? Yeah, it's a little game you can play with the DEA called Find the Snow in the Snow.

Oh, wait. Oh, yeah, there you are. All right. You guys look like rock and rollers. Hey, Sonny, we're going to have pyramid papers, man.

Ah, I missed you guys. How you been? Good. Good, we've been reading about you, hearing about you. Oh, I try to make the press as much as possible. You should try to get more positive press. This jerk from the stone, what an idiot, man. But what about that Premier Magazine piece, too? Uh, yeah, it was a woman. What'd you expect, you know? Oh, yeah, I'm lucky to be alive. I've been alone with him. You know, you expect that from a woman, not from a man.

That conveniently leaves the country three weeks while the magazine's on its down.

Yeah, he's just conveniently on assignment now. Nobody can find him for the next three weeks, but we've got plenty of time. Is he suing you? What's this we heard about you leaving a message on his?

I'll beat any suit that he comes up with. You left a message on his answering machine that said you were going to kill him? Is that...? He didn't understand my sense of humor. You know, you guys know me. Yeah. I'm a funny guy. I just keep that as, uh, same motto. I called him up. It's a momentum. I called him up. I lived out that old fantasy. I think it was, I think it was actually one of the, I think Bob Hope and Bing Crosby did for some of the on-the-road pictures. It was where you called the guy up. It's an old routine.

I'm gonna kill you! You call the guy up, you read his address to him and his phone number.

The names of his kids. It's an old bit. This guy didn't even know comedy. How could he not know this stuff? I don't think I saw that in The Godfather. There you go. Yeah, that's where I saw that, yeah. What's it like being on the cover of the Rolling Stone magazine? Oh, it's great, especially when they use a picture that you didn't approve. So you have to...? They gave me a whole nother shot. They gave me a shot like I'm Samson, you know, and I'm stretched out here with the chains. I look glorious and magnificent, and then you get this. Well, it's not bad. Oh, it's terrible, man. I look like a donkey going, Eon! Eon! Okay, okay. It was like, the Jessica shot was okay. I didn't mind that one. Well, that's, that's definitely hot. What's the story on that, Sam? What's, what's it like? It's like rolling around in the pit with her. All right, let's move on. But, uh, there was a brief affair. It was hit and run, you know.

The video is, uh, You wanted to know? Yeah, but the video is, uh, Oh, there's a happy shot, huh? This is the shot that I think is the exact shot. Yeah, this looks like Oswald before they walk him down the hallway.

And he was going, why are you guys stretching me out?

That's what that picture looks like.

So are you saying Oswald was, Oswald was set up? So, Jack? So Jack couldn't miss? Yeah, give me, give me the Kennedy conspiracy now!

I have an excuse. I was sick that day! I was only nine years old!

We're losing Steve. We're losing him. Steve, Steve, how long is it? I've been trying to pin the Kennedy assassination on me. I'm nine years old. I'm off that day because I'm sick. Nobody buys it. And I can't prove anything now, you know?

I need, I need some water, man. We got a Brian Wilson. You got to be good on that one. I felt that, I laughed all the way down to my balls on that. You know how you do that thing? Hey, watch the language. You feel it, man? Why not this?

All the way down to my balls. Oh, God. I feel better now, don't I?

I do. Spread that Richard Lewis comedy that gets you about right here at the top of your lungs.

Richard's all right. We had fun. Hey, he's a good buddy of Stern's. Yeah, he does. We don't care about that anymore. I don't care. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you guys. I love you guys. No, no, no. Everywhere I go. I went to Hawaii to dry out. Oh, did I say that? Is this the end?

And, uh. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Everywhere I go. I leave the intercontinental United States. I go 3,000 miles west towards Japan.

I'm over in Hawaii. Guys come up to me. Steve and Garry. Steve and Garry dude. You guys have, like, international fans. Oh, that's nice. We're going to Hawaii in a week and a half. Oh, you're going to Hawaii? To dry out. To dry out. That's the move. Yeah. Well, we've still got tonight, then. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yes. I don't know. Just for you DEA agents that are listening, that'll be tonight at Sabrina's. Don't miss it. Tonight. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Hello.

Oh, yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I saw, I saw your bar the other night. I almost came in to surprise you. Oh, you've been in town? Last night. Back and forth? Oh, you came in last night. Yes. After the Milwaukee show. I didn't know if you'd be there, though. I was there, but, uh, there's always tonight.

He's always there. The girls at the Rolling Stone are referred to as the whores, which was really nice of them. Your girlfriend. Yeah, you remember Malik and Sabrina. They're here. Right. Not here in the building, but, you know, they're here. Yeah. And she always loved that place because it was named Sabrina. Yeah. His girlfriend's sister is named Sabrina. Have you seen them? Have you seen these women? I read about them. Oh, they're gorgeous, man. Oh. That's why this guy hates my guts. I live more in ten minutes than he has in ten years, man. Because you buy videos, you don't rent them. You buy them. That's right. I buy them. I haven't got time to rewind.

You buy them, you run them, you throw them out.

You like seeing comedians in bad movies. I love it. Yeah. I love it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. If you want a good buzz, rip Whoopi Goldberg in telephone.

I'd love to see the studio meeting when they ran this. But is this a joke or are they outtakes? What do you mean it's the film? The camera never leaves the room. Whose idea was that?

This isn't a movie. It's the pigeonhole. Hey!

Oh, God. And Bob Goldthwaite. Goldthwaite. Yeah. So you can't always say it because you're in comedy. Anybody with comedy, get out. Get out. Well, he had that great movie with the horse. Oh, yeah. Tom the horse. John Candy did that movie over the phone.

He didn't even have to show up for the show. He was like, yeah, a horse. I got this right here. Okay. Well, buddy.

Oh, I'd rather be in gay porn, man. I'd rather have my son someday go, Dad, is this you under the sombrero on the sailor?

Oh, yes, Tom, but I had to make the money. Dad,

this isn't you on top of the false rocking horse in a couple of actual racehorses, is it? No.

No, I did gay porn, but I never did a stupid comedy movie.

Oh, dear. Oh, we're in Chicago! I love this town, man. I already had Gino's East. I broke in. I'm rocking it. Killer pizza. Get the big show tonight. Sold out. Been sold out for a couple of weeks. That's what I heard. You're happening. Well, thank God they sold them before this hit the stands. Before every cat owner's going, oh, where is he? He sacrificed his cat? Yeah. Is that true, Tom? What is that about? What's that all about, huh? Let me read this to you. Let me show you what the guy did. This guy thinks he's so smart.

All right, here we go. Oh, yeah, he says stuff like, yeah, during all of his struggling years as a comic, in fact, Kinison got by without ever once working a day job. You know, there's no insinuation there, is there?

Well, I wonder what he did for money, honey.

This guy's such a creep, man. I hope he gets every disease that's in the Old Testament at once.

Oh, where's the thing with the cats? Hold on. Yeah, there's something about a sacrifice before every show. Yeah. Yeah, like I got time for that.

Oh, yeah, here he goes. This is what he says. Vicious rumors abound. He starts the thing off with that. Yeah. Vicious rumors abound. Three words. You don't even really pay attention to it. And especially the dumb idiot that buys this magazine, most of them, wouldn't pay attention to that. Yeah. All right, so you read on. He goes, he thinks he's a savior figure. He leads a cult of comics and satanic rumors. Now, these are all rumors. But by the time you're there, you're going, huh? He says, what? Rituals? Satanic rituals on top of the Sunset Hyatt? That must be because they give such a great group right.

Oh, yeah, and that he kills. He goes on. I haven't been on stage at the Comedy Store in seven or eight months because I hate her, too. You've been banned. Yeah, I banned her. Yeah. Of course, in this story, she was planning a wake. Oh, they're kind to themselves. Yeah, he kills a cat for good luck.

Now, again, I don't want to discourage anybody out there that's taking cat lives.

I've never done it, but don't let it stop you. If it works for you, continue to do it. That's right. If you see a cat, speed up. I hate cats. I've never made any bones about that. I hate cats. But I thought the cat was the witch's friend. Or did I miss something here? Isn't the cat supposed to be the witch's friend? Yeah, they have cats. I've never heard of cat rituals. Right. Anyway, yeah. But anyway, the guy starts it out with the rumors and halfway through the article you are. So I guess we can take those cats we got back to the pet shop. We were going to do it at the tip of the hand cock. Well, no, hold on. At the tip of the cock, if you will. Well, this would be the place to hold a satanic ritual, whatever that is. That's right, because this is where Poltergeist 3 was filmed. That's right. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Heather Rourke. Yeah. Wow, I remember her.

Half that cast, right? Wherever they are. So we hear that you're dating Drew Barrymore now, or as we call her, Drew Partymore.

She'd be perfect for you, Sam. She's off the wagon again, Sam. Drew Partymore. She's ready. Either that or Kitty Dukakis. One of those two. Well, you know, I felt sorry for Kitty because she woke up going, no, you could have tried harder. You're a loser. Hey, Mary, I knew you were a loser. Where's the bottle? Where's the bottle? I knew you were a loser.

George Bush beat you like you were an invalid. You didn't even try.

Well, honey, I did. I did try.

Imagine the hell this man's went through ever since the election. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

All right, we got to take care of some biz, right? Yeah. Just give Sam a chance to relax and- Open up a little bit. Yeah. That bottle, that jolt that you guys keep running. Yeah. Yeah. A little jolt cola. Yeah. A-1000 with Steve Gary and Sam Kinison. W-L-U-P-A-M, Chicago. And now back to Steve Garry and Sam Kinison. Thank you, Cliff. Mm-hmm. How you doing? Well- I'm doing fine, sir. Plug that in for me there, Gere. Yes, sir. Wow. Okay, Sam. Sam, we heard a little story about the airports and somebody's luggage, apparently not yours, that had some marijuana in it. Yeah. Some out-of-control, reckless prankster. Mm-hmm. You never know when something like that's going to happen to you. Gosh, doesn't that happen a lot? It happens a lot, it seems, in this business. We're sitting there. Bill was there. My brother, of course, is tour manager. One of the few I have left.

One of the few you haven't driven to suicide yet. Oh, that's right. I'm working on him. I'm working on him. All right. But it- You look a little tense. Yeah. Well, you know. I push him over the edge because they all want to be me. Two more to go, and then the will's mine. I'll own the home. Dad's bought all of it.

I think we're going to need a 911 set up. I need a cough drop. I got to have one of the Brian Wilson Memorial cough drops. You know, I've had a cough, too, ever since the DEA agents had me out in the rain in L.A. for like an hour and a half. We'll do all our luggage. Somebody put a tip in, I guess, that we were moving a big shipment of that white stuff. Yeah. It's a Cincinnati.

I went, come on. You got to be kidding. I have a career. Things aren't that rough yet.

And so they went through the whole thing. And then some prankster, some prankster, I guess, had put a piece of luggage in there with some pot in there that- Of course, you had no corresponding ticket stubs. No. No. And, well, I think we may have had. I'm not sure. But that was- I may or may not have had, as Oliver North once said. I may or may not have. The prankster apparently slipped those in as well into your ticket wallet. I wouldn't be surprised if he was going to slip those in. He was a publisher of a very well-known rock magazine, ladies and gentlemen. Rolling Rock.

So nothing happened, no? No. Because, you know, it's a misdemeanor in California, number one. Just say no. No, it's not mine. That's what Nancy Reagan said to do. Is this yours? No. No. Just say no. No. No. Do you want an attorney? No. Do you understand your rights? No. No. We don't want to understand our rights. We're on the cokes here. Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola. Coke, Coca-Cola. Here, listen, folks. That's- That's a liquid. That's a liquid. Yeah, I'm telling you. You've got to say Coca-Cola now instead of Coke, or they go, the door's fire open. You don't want to be standing outside for an hour and a half today, I don't think. No. That might be a little too much. No. Find the snow in the snow. But-

God, if they'd have been there 10 minutes earlier in that limo. But time is everything, isn't it? Yeah. Well, you're a comedian. You're famous for your time. We're going to do this before we hit the train.

We're going to do some traffic with Leslie.

Thank you, Lane. Thank you, baby. Are you free tonight? Oh. Is she pretty? Yes. She is? Are you free tonight, Lane? For Sam? Oh. Well, I've had some interesting dates. Only if he's such a charming guy. I could be a charming guy. Listen to it. You can pound nails with it. That little ring. You can pound nails with it. We're not talking about the ring Elvis used to play with. No, I'm talking about the one that you can roll around in, like in the video. Oh, wow. While Billy Idol watches. Thank you. Yeah. There you go. That was his Christmas present. I'm wearing Billy Idol's crystal that he gave me for Christmas, which is really cute. That is very nice. And when I come to think of it, nothing bad happened to me until I put this on.

Any interesting story or stories going around with that video? Well, it was a little bit of a party, of course. Jessica seemed very relaxed in front of the camera. Yeah. Well, we had worked very hard to get that mood a couple of dates before that. You can't fake that. I'm not that good an actor to fake that roll that they left in there. Yeah, that was. Yeah. That was a pretty nice little outfit she had on, too. Well, I just wanted Jim Baker to see it somewhere and go, oh, I hate that fat guy. I hate him. That chubby bastard. I hope he dies. Oh,

you know that I had to spin him. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sure. And guess what, Jim? I didn't have to hold her down.

How did you meet her?

It was God. It was an act of God. Howard Stern, right? Actually, yeah. Stern first with his phone calls and the stuff that he does. And that reminds me. I met her at the Playboy Mansion and then she came to the Comedy Store.

And before you were banned for wrecking the place. Yeah, you wrecked it. You wrecked it. How can you wreck a comedy club? Most of them are. Yeah, they're toilets to begin with. So bad. There's two comics that are out there somewhere in the country that are still shaking. They're waking up in cold sweat and I go, oh, oh, I thought he was in the room. And I'm going to find him. You did it while they were on stage. I'll find him, man. No, I haven't found him yet. I haven't ran into him. No, I do. Explain. There'll be some more headlines. You guys are going, oh, Sam's in the news. Sam rested for senselessly beating a man until he made him do his own act. What happened then exactly? Because maybe I don't know this. Well, according to The Stone, Mitzi Shore owns a comedy store. I came back from my brother's tragedy. You came in and wrecked the place. That's what I read. Yeah. She was planning a wake with Roseanne Barr.

Roseanne. Roseanne would like to see me choke on my own blood and vomit. That's how much compassion Roseanne has for me. Yeah. I read that. That was comedy. And then you were. Oh, they were planning a wake. You missed the plane. That's what it says in Rolling Stone. You missed the plane and you didn't show up. And then you got there and you were mad.

Yeah. Well, here's what happened. Because I wouldn't lie to you guys. Right. I have nothing to hide. I have nothing to prove. You never do. My reputation is ruined anyway. It speaks for itself. Yeah. It's hard. You know. You have this everywhere. Your box office poison. I was up in New York and I had to leave my brother's funeral and do six shows straight. Two a night. So the funeral was on Monday. Did you do those because you thought the show must go on or because you had to? Well, I was committed and I thought it would be good. Seriously, I thought it'd be like good therapy just to not even let it register enough to where it was a weird thing to get up and make people laugh, even though you're like ripped out inside. You know, I thought, well, if I just go on and not let this affect me, maybe I can outrun it. You know, because at the time I didn't have six months to take off and grieve. Yeah. You know, I mean, it was like a real rough time in my career. And like it's smooth now. Yeah.

So I went to the six shows. I'm in New York. It's Friday night. Now, this is the first time it's actually hit me. I mean, everything. The shows are done now. There's no family around. I have to be strong for anybody. So, of course, I'm I'm rocking and rolling. You know, I'm out of control. And as a term that we like to use in this business. And cool. And I went to China Club. It was a club there in New York City. And I mean, we we got crazy. They let us stay till like nine in the morning. And I missed him. I was crying and drinking. And I was like, oh, my God. And we were coming up, you know, then you're like you're throwing people, you know, how do you know? You don't even know.

You know, that's your best friend. Oh, yeah. Do you understand?

That kind of stuff. So I fly home. I get there. And then I go to the comedy stores. I'm looking. I thought, well, maybe I could, you know, see Mitch or something. Maybe that made me feel better. I get there. And then this one guy I hate. I come back with my guys. Mitchell. The guys are in the show. All right. Yeah, it was. Betsy had been running Mitchell to get the chubby guy on the left here and here. And yeah, like I'm in shape and but anyway, Mitchell, you'll see that he was a writer for the store and then helped out. She has his stuff thrown in an outside in a corner while we've been gone and that this other scumbag who I will find and beat if it's the last thing I do in this life, you know, she's let him moved in. Right. So this is this guy. He was living there. I was going. He was going. Kevin, the reason Kevin took his life because of my lifestyle and his dad. I had committed suicide. He knew everything. I don't know. Really? Yeah. Let me find it. Why did she kick the other guy out?

Oh, well, it's long political BS, basically. But he was living there and like emceeing and writing or. Yeah. You know, you know, she's held these three guys particularly back for some reason. She never gave him a break. She never gave me a break. She's got like 15, 20 comics out there that she's had their lives on hold for the last 15, 20 years, you know, 10 years or whatever. It's like a like a winery. You keep some back. Well, yeah. Well, she's a club owner. Bottom line is she's a club owner. She doesn't want to see these guys go because then she has to develop new talent. She just as soon sit around there and play like she's some phony wrinkled queen of some comedy thing, you know. So anyway, I'm looking at this guy and they're hiding him from me, you know, so I don't know where I'm looking all over town. So the guy who said all this stuff about your brother. Yeah. So I said, oh, you're his best friend. He goes, yeah. So what you'll do.

Tell him when I see him, he gets a lot more of this. Yes. So now it's the next day. It's the next day. Now it's Monday. And I wake up and I'm like, oh, man, I did all that. It's the first time I'm sober, maybe in three days because I'm, you know, it's a family tragedy. It ain't like something that, you know, I put this kid in rehab and I tried to save him. I don't want him to die. You know, so it's like the first day all that, you know, I'm sobering up now and I'm going, OK, I better go to the comedy store and apologize. And if I do, if I do, we didn't wreck anything. We put this guy's shoes in his toilet and then we have one of our friends who wasn't feeling well that day. Yeah.

I get the picture. OK. And it was a very messy thing to do, but you know, it's comedy, man.

And so I thought Alan Stevens is also one of the outlaws because we all walked out together after all this. But anyway, he called Mitzi. Mitzi said, yeah, have Sam come down to Levin by himself.

And come to the comedy store and we'll talk it out, I said, OK, so I go down there by myself.

I walk in to go, yes, he's back there in our office. I walk in. Here's two federal sheriffs. With that or with the special force branch of the DEA that are out to bust celebrities and sports figures. And she's going, Antion, Antion, he's the pinnacle, he's the pinnacle of the drug problem here in Hollywood. I like the way your eyes roll up in your head when you tell that one. Oh, let me, let me nickname you Judas.

So I talked to them for about 45 minutes. And I looked at her and I said, I'll never be back. And I hope you go to hell. I hope all your kids blow their brains out. We'll see what's funny then. You ugly, wrinkled, biologically decaying sack of unfunny, oh, anyway, but so I walked out and these other friends of mine walked with me and we never went back. But it wasn't the pretty little picture they painted on the stone. No. Yeah. She was planning a wake party. Like she was doing you a favor, turning you into the feds. Yeah. She just happened to see, I just happened to walk in. So you're talking to the sheriffs.

Yeah.

That's the, those are the people you call when somebody. This is the one. The one that you care about has a drug problem. Yeah. Well, I just, I just wish she was around when Lenny Bruce was having problems. So she could have turned him in and help him. Yeah.

Bring your own good, Lenny. We're turning you in.

Sure. She deserves the ax that she has at that rundown hole.

The comedy sewers. We now, they did get that right. That was nice. Yeah. It's amazing how you can tell a guy a story. A guy spends three days with you. You tell him the truth. You got, you have no reason. Yeah. And 20 other people telling the same truth. Right. But it, but they've got to, they've got to, they've got to, they've got to, they've got to, they've got to be selective enough so that they can create some sort of a controversy and I got to tell you, I did not expect to make you look down. I expected a little, a little color, but this is very national inquire about reputation on truth. It was very gossip, gossip, rag sheet, kind of journalism. And you know, I mean, that's not a good picture on the cover.

According to you. No, this is not the one they showed me. I've got it. I should have brought it. This is not what they sent me and said what they were going to use. So soon as soon as I got this issue, I went, Oh man, I'm in trouble right there. Oh, cause I was doing this as a joke, I was going, cause the guy was going, let's get some of you screaming. I went, Oh, that'll be different. Yeah. Like every picture isn't me screaming. Yeah. Well, they wanted to make it look more like the beast inside the beast. Yeah. It's kind of funny that there was a DEA investigation going on right at just a week before this was published. I mean, handcuffs too. Yeah. That was real funny. This happens to be a coincidence. I'm sure we're going to take a break and I think we have to do the news. Okay. In fact, I have to leave. I'm here with you guys. Whatever you need. Okay. Can stay till seven. Whatever you want. I'm here. Okay. Well, why don't we break and then have care.

Oh, and then have who come in over here, sweating, going, Oh God, that's a whole other group of lawyers. All right. Well, we'll take care of some business. We'll do the news and Sam will be here and we'll take it. Why don't we take some calls after this? Yeah. After the news. There you go. Hey, I'm 1000 Steve Gary. Sam Kinison. Carrie is here with the news and engineering. What? Should we set up a microphone here for Sam? Um, we want to move someplace where we have more microphones.

Uh, sorry. I'll just provide it. Why don't you join seconds? It's okay. All right. Well, you can hear Sam, even if he's off. Mike. It's true.

There you go. Here. I know you had a wait plan too for me. And I appreciate it. He did. He was so upset. Oh, wait. Party.

All right. We have a lot of news in Sam's honor to a few stories from Peoria. Gold's weight found dead. A little gold tape.

But let's start with the serious stuff. There are no survivors in the crash. It's kind of an interesting pairing there to see Gary and Sam right next to each other like that. Isn't it? It's scary. Could be the future. Vision in black.

Satanic vision in black.

There are no survivors in the crash of an American plane full of Italian tourists in Portugal. The Boeing 707 with 144 people on board slammed into a frog, fog shrouded mountain. I thought they call those things Boeing 707. It's because they bounced. Not in the Azores. They don't.

On route from Italy to the Dominican Republic and Jamaica, all seven crew members were Americans.

Again, President Bush is defending his nominee to head the Defense Department, John Tower. The committee conducting confirmation hearings. I partied with him. With Tower? Yeah. He's a party monster. I believe that. Four escort services in one night. Not 10. I want more. I want more.

The committee conducting confirmation hearings has put its vote on hold for at least 10 days. While new allegations about Tower's finances can be checked, the President is saying enough already. Let's vote. Did they say that while he was in his struggling years for the Senate, he got by without ever having to work a day job? Is that one of the problems? Sam, you are interrupting the President of the United States of America. You godless, communist bastard. Start it over, Garry. I will not stand for that, Samuel. I'm sorry. My God.

What kind of a heinous individual is this? I think we can see why Mitzi doesn't like you at all. Maybe I'm starting to believe a little bit more about what I read.

Why don't you pop on the speakers back there on the tape, and then he can, on the tape recorder, he can hear it, too. We, uh, we don't have all the electronics in here that we need. Boy, Howard Stern's got a lot better. Yeah, I know he does. I know he does. He's got state of the art. Yeah, I know he does.

There's always some other allegation.

And it's my knowledge, to my knowledge, each and every one of us has a state of the art that needs to be listened to. We don't have that kind of jewelry in most companies. Okay.

Well,

let's talk about that. Democrats on the Senate Armed Services Committee, including Chairman Sam Nunn, are still troubled by the FBI findings. Nunn says if a vote were held today, he'd vote against Tower.

Senator Barbara Mikulski wants more than President Bush's plan to rescue the Savings and Loan Administration.

The Maryland Democrat wants revenge. Today, she suggested putting the owners of failed SNLs in stocks and letting depositors take a whack at some of them. You might want to date her, Sam. Yeah.

I just get it. Well, they get off Tower's back. The guy parties a little bit. It's a big deal. He's got to have some fun. He flirted with a few women and they had some drinks, you know? Hey, so what if we leave a drunk? He didn't call the IATO and go, listen, could you please hold those hostages till January 1st so Carter doesn't have a chance? So what if he's drunk and he wanders into a missile silo with a woman to impress her? Watch this, baby. Watch this. Blow the hell out of about 50,000 gooks right now!

Oh. Oh, my God, look at that thing. It's so big and long. Oh, God, it's thrusting! Thrusting!

I'm like Sam Jr. over here. What's happening?

Hi, I'm Sam Jr. Oh, Mike, that doesn't happen every day. I'm doing this more now! But I like this! It's fun. It feels good. It really does feel good. It's very primal. It's like the Capone of comedy. It's very primal. Great primal. The Capone brothers, we're back! Yeah! Yeah, son!

It'll be good. On the day after the big debate, alderman Larry Bloom is smiling over his performance and defending his attacks on Rich Daley. I'm gonna creep that guy here. What a didactic, what a condescending creep. We have a report from Bill Holub. Larry Bloom says last night's debate was a breath of fresh air in the campaign. He says it was proof frontrunner Rich Daley doesn't understand city government. Bloom spent most of the debate criticizing Daley, but he doesn't think he was too harsh to cost himself votes. Well, if Richie can't take the heat, he should get out of the kitchen. Oh, sure, that's original. Remember, this is Chicago politics, Rich. It's in your family's history. See, there he goes with that.

If you're afraid to come out and take your lumps, I'll take mine, you take yours, if they're deserved. As to the question, does he think Rich Daley is dumb? Bloom says he'll let the voters who saw the debate decide that. I'm Bill Holub, AM1000 News. Actually, I think he did, didn't he? Where did he go to law school, Richie Daley? Probably not. I know. He's gonna miss him. That question. I wasn't prepared for a test. Bloom is your classic turd in the punch bowl, if you ask me. By the way, Mayor Sawyer. You can quote me on that. He looks like his substitute teacher. He's like, this isn't my class every day.

No, I'm glad it's my, it is my class every day. Mayor Sawyer says that he's pleased with his performance, but he wishes he remembered the scripture a little bit better.

Richie Daley did go to University of Chicago? See, I like that. That's information department. That's great. Fast facts, it's the world, Sammy. Another story, Bill? Daley went to Chicago. Daley went to Chicago. Yeah, I was gonna say, I think that's- Well, why did I get a note that said- Because I think they thought you meant Bloom. Yeah. All right, that little boy's gonna be spanked after this show.

Put him in the irons.

Matter of fact, we'll give him the misting curling iron treatment tonight after the show. No, I know, let David Handelman interview him. Uh-oh. Here's a nice story from Peoria. There was a teenager charged with attempted murder for a sniper attack yesterday. What year? Your nephew, Sam? No. He reportedly told his high school classmates to watch for him in the newspaper.

I'm gonna be getting some ink, guys. Well, the guy has show business aspirations. It says that's what happens when you don't have good management. Yeah. Right, right. You try to put your own career together, it never works. A 16-year-old is accused of using a semi-automatic rifle to shoot a woman and her infant son as they drove through rural Peoria on Monday. Yeah, but what they didn't tell you is that they tried to run him over. A Peoria newspaper reports that other students say the suspected sniper was the lead, the lead of a secret anti-Satan organization. Sam! Uh-oh, my life may not be worth a nickel!  Who was troubled by vivid dreams and voices, which he described in his poetry. Anti-Satan. The boy is described as quiet, intelligent, fascinated with guns, survival games, and fantasy games like Dungeons and Dragons. That reads like your resume, Sam. He needed a girlfriend to break his heart and show that life is meaningless and worthless.

Then he could just go within himself and just take a shot. Just eat himself from within. Yeah, instead of watching Willow a hundred times on acid or whatever the guy did. Willow!

The guy should have got a girlfriend. Oh, I get it now. I'm gonna go do this the rest of my life! Deception! God, I love Ron Howard films. God, I love them.

Does he still get to make any? I don't know. He made Willow, didn't he? I get to Willow. Yeah, they get to Willow. They went, bad boy, Ron. That's it. Bad boy. Gung Ho and Willow, you're out. You're out. There's a Super 8 and a couple really broke women. Let's start over.

Also from Peoria, ancient comedian Pinky Lee has left a hospital where he, so he can recuperate. In a body bag? At home in California from a massive heart attack that he suffered while he was in a touring company of sugar babies. He's vowing to return. This is the nightmare, he says. To Peoria? Yeah. I owe the people here a show. I sure hope I can come back someday and perform. Just buy him a video and call it even. When he arrived at St. Francis Medical Center, doctors reported that Lee did not have a pulse. However. Or under pain. Never stopped him before. He was revived and given a pacemaker. Or any comic timing. The comedic timing is gone. Perfect that you bring that up. Comic Relief 3 is scheduled for March 18th.

Oh, yes. And participants are, of course, drumming up publicity for the event already. Oh, yeah. We know how much they've done for the homeless so far. Your favorite. I haven't seen any on the street. Have you? No. Your favorite, Bob. Goldthwait appeared in L.A. to explain why he participates. Oh, I want to hear this guy's voice. And charity events like this one. We brought this one in just for you. Sorry. Thank you. I always consider comedy the lowest art form. I put it right up there with a wet t-shirt contest or a mechanical bull ride. So I'm here because it makes me feel a little bit less like a dirt bag whenever I do this. It's purely selfish reasons.

If I make comments. With any luck, he'll be helping himself. Please do. If I make comments. Well, exactly. You heard what the guy said. The guy's vision of comedy. Yeah. This is one of the reasons I'm doing Letterman and all these shows over the weekend, Nightwatch, later, is because me and my group have tried it. We intend to bring dignity back to comedy, like yourself. Right. Yeah. It's an art form. This guy is a dirt bag. His approach to it is filth. He should feel like a thief because anybody who ever liked him that went and saw his movies was ripped off of seven bucks, whatever it cost to get in. And he is a dirt bag. And I hope he dies a slow, painful, horrible death. I hope his kid grows up to hate him and shoot him in the head during his sleep. And Sam said that, too, about Marvin Gaye. And it happened. That's right. I'm a prophet.

Not a loss. No. Not yet, anyway. You know, I'm doing a real benefit. Not that comic relief stuff. You still see just as many homeless, just as many people without. I'm having a benefit Valentine's Day for Lenny Bruce's mother. And she's getting all the money. I mean, I'd rather help one person that you know. Yeah, imagine what it costs. Nobody ever helped her, man. And they probably clear, like, 30 grand or something. Yeah. This woman's 82. She's, like, thousands of dollars in debt. None of those guys that say the F word and talk about sex and all this, none of them have ever helped her, man. And Lenny Bruce is the reason why all of us can get away with it. Right. So I said, I will. So Valentine's Day, we're giving her the gate at the Felt Forum in New York, which will be close, probably, hopefully, between $80,000 to $100,000. That's great. And she's tripped out. So that's my comic relief. There you go. But you're a pig. That's right. A rock and roll.

Yeah. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to. That's the way to do it. Didn't mean to tirade off into that. The rest of it's just a bunch of subservient crap. I was never invited to that junk. And I'm glad. I wouldn't want to be on Whoopi Goldberg. And ugh. Well, they go out and do some improv on wooden boxes. Yeah. Or cardboard boxes. Is this what the homeless are like? Let's sit on cardboard boxes and improv. Yeah. In our $400 outfits. Yeah. It's real funny. It's a real funny issue. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a bunch of self-service. It's like beating off in front of 12,000 people. It is. That's all it is, man. Beating off into a collection plate. That's why you and I hated him in high school. Yes! And we hate him now, Steve. Yes! We never were part of that hypocritical bounty. Yes! Yes! Comic relief this!

Garry?  Do you think Pinky Lee will get one dime from these people to help with his foot? A hospital bill? No. No. No. It'll go into savings, which Bob Zamuda will set up. What they'll do, they'll take the money from Comic Relief, and they'll put it in a thing for a year, and then they get the interest off that money that was collected, supposedly, for the homeless. I know the whole booth. And the rest of the money is used to produce the following show. Yeah. Well, if you ever come up with a couple million dollars, you stick it in the bank for a year while you're planning those things you're going to help the homeless with.

It's like, well, what should we do with all this interest? Well, I don't know. Let's put it in a pie. Yeah. Put it in a pie. Yeah.

I'm sorry. All right. We'll be back. Don't apologize to me. So what you're saying is you're not supporting, and you're not going to be sending anything. I'm not supporting. I never have and never will support. I was homeless, and I got by years without ever having a regular day job. Don't you think homeless people should really be apartment-less people? They should be ... Because a home is a big step. You start with an apartment. Maybe just ... Exactly. Maybe an old car. They should be transient, motel-less. Buy them all old cars at first. Yeah. And give them a little gas allowance. Yeah. They're vehicle-less right now. So they can drive around and look for some kind of ... And stay in the car. ...

adventure that will change their depressed view of life. And stay in the car maybe like Tom Driessen did. That's what they put. Tom Driessen lived in his car. That's right. And look where he is today. Oh, we used to beg to live in a car. I used to have to sleep with waitresses I didn't even like. I think we read about folding chairs. Didn't we read about folding chairs? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And beer-soaked ... Yeah. Like I'm going to wrap up in a beer-soaked tablecloth. Is this guy an idiot? Yeah, Sam. You are such a pig. You are such a pig.

All right. We'll be back with more after these.

Carrie, the weather is ... Much colder. What? Fair skies. Yeah. Oh, good. Is that cold enough? Hey, it snowed two inches in LA today. Quit your bitching. It shattered out. I think I'll leave it out. Low tonight, zero to eight below. No. Yeah. Not in February. Oh, yeah. Thursday, mostly sunny and cold, becoming windy in the afternoon with a high up in the teens. Mm-hmm. Friday, partly sunny, warmer. High in the middle 20s. Right now, it's 11 ... Not if I get my hands on a cat.

13 at the lakefront. 12 at Midway. 11 at O'Hare. I'm Carrie Cochran on AM1000. Thank you, Carrie. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Carrie. Sam Kinison is in the studio with us. He films all the boys. Carrie, ladies and gentlemen. Okay. He's at the Erie Crown tonight. That is sold out. Has been for a few weeks. Who's that? Oh, the sold out? Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm rich and arrogant. You're happening, Ben. Yeah. Sexually active. Thank you, Jim. Thank you, Jesus. All right. Bye. I say we take some calls here.

591-9587.

Sam is obviously a little under the weather. He doesn't want to talk about a lot of things. So don't push him. Don't push him. He's a very private man. Yes. Very. Hello. You're in the air. Hello. Yes. Do you have a cat that you want sacrificed?

You can't get higher than this building, man. This is the place to do it. No. Hello, Sam? Yes. Hi. Hi.

What's your name?

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. You guys are big fans of mine. Oh, yes we are. Especially when you wear that lacy number. Oh, yeah. This is a hook. Let me explain. This is a prostitute that was ... Really? No. I don't know. I'm just trying to ... She said we were big fans of yours. Hey, I'm with four guys on the road right now. You know what I mean? They get their pens out. Give me a number.

Listen, Sam? Yes, ma'am. Yeah. I just wanted to let you know that you're a big fan of ours. And I bought my husband ... You're a big fan of ours. Oh, yeah? Sam's a big fan of theirs. They're big fans of mine. Listen, I ... Okay. You bought your husband my tape? Oh, you bought your husband my tape? My husband ... You're his favorite comedian of all time. Aw. Well, thank you. For a Christmas gift, I bought him your HBO special. Yeah? Which you have on video. And he really loves it. And he ... We also ... I want to ask you a question about ... Is there a bird in the background there? I think Sam wants to kill that parakeet. We have a parrot. And he's screaming in the background. I think he knows I'm a parrot. I'm talking to you. Yeah. Sam hates parrots. Well, he probably loves me because, of course, I'm a parrot. But I hate cats. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's true. No, no, no. No. No. No.

No. You want some pussy? You probably want some pussy? You probably want some pussy? Cat. Thank you. But you know what you're doing? Looks like ... There you go. Sorry. What can I do for you? What can I answer for you? You know, I wanted to ask you, on that HBO tape, you do ... Yeah? You do a little skit about the airport scene. And about a girl that ... Oh, about that girl that packed a gun in my luggage? Yeah. And I was wondering ... Yeah, that was true. Is that true to life? That was true to life. It happened September 1984. Really? A date that will go down in my personal infamy. That's like, never, ever let your woman pack your bag.

again that was what you had a gun in there yeah 38 loaded 38 oh loaded loaded yeah i made it a felony thank you thank you unload it's mister you're loaded it's felony seven years what happened with all that uh well i had a clean record so and and plus they found out it was a hoax and then it was a the girl did set it up but the uh the new jersey state thing got me for unregistered handgun an unregistered handgun so i had to write postcards to a parole thing or what they call it pre posting or something i don't know something about doing if you never did it before they're so

crowded that they give you this one time to reconsider your initial criminal judgment that's the kind of terms out here in court what was that am i free or what what do i go do i walk am i with bundy in about 10 minutes but yeah i'll tell you what i'll give you half the bodies now give me an extension yeah but yeah that was true tell your husband that was all true and then i'm lucky you be alive well i also we also went and saw you at poplar creek last oh that was fun as a as a gift i bought my husband tickets oh you're sweet wife yeah you know i mean he just wouldn't it be the ultimate with you wouldn't it be the ultimate gift wouldn't it be the ultimate gift to come home carrying sam's child to give him the son of sam if you will the son of sam if you will

and i'm not talking about any dave berkowitz thing here i'll tell you you're very sweet wife are you going tonight yeah well you're going tonight can you deal with that we got it you would make compliments of steve and gary and the loop these are ones that we have we have four tickets to give away wow this doesn't even come out of your stash but oh you can still meet some names a show business term for you for tickets for tickets you can still go out and cop some babes before the show with duckets good well good then maybe i'll tell you what we'll get you gonna get them backstage because i'd like to meet you and your husband oh you would yeah get them backstage all right we'll take care of all that what's your name nancy okay nancy i'm looking forward to meeting you hang on nancy hang on nancy so that's two front row tickets for tonight and we're going to get your backstage passes too oh yeah all right and then your husband's going to be your sexual slave try to bring a small amount of a controlled substance understand nancy like corn fungus i'll see what i can do all right hang on

hello you're in the air with sam don't call up and start begging now because we're only going to do it out of the goodness of our hearts right you have to get past steve no it's none of this god

radio hello you're in the air three comedic gods oh i bet you're naked right now aren't you bound

and fondling myself god i wish this was hysteria on fm god i wish uh sam anybody who reads the rolling stone article see real easily that it's kind of tilted if not slanted in one direction well thank you for saying that i had that feeling he's not talking about your girlfriend no but i had to feel anybody read it you could tell the guy was out to nail me and hated me it probably has weird sexual preferences pretty obvious to me and none of our business and please i had a nightmare about this we had a 12-minute nightmare all right you're right you go to mexico and i'm left to defend you in a libel suit where's sam can't we have him extradited no we can't mexico won't do it i didn't say it he's a funny man i didn't say it it was on your show we don't ask for that

let stephen garrett think the you and cunting floss hanging out with peppy the burl that's me that all star all committee all yeah i'm glad you saw through their bs yeah well it was really easy and and your honesty is really appreciated like stephen gary's and it's just real refreshing and they you don't get caught up in the show business crap of you know everybody thanks babe friend yeah we are taking our pinky rings off to you sir yeah yeah the pinky rings are up and the white shoes too i gotta note did you really have jessica yeah i did i had sex with her twice of outtakes where her breasts fell out during the uh the video that i'm trying to get the director to put together for me so i can make it a special gift to all my real close friends well where does

the line for him uh here at the loop your local video store right behind steven gary thank you on the way thanks bye bye uh do you check into john belushi's room at the chateau no you know what that is that was a story that was that went around hollywood i i know this guy we just came into the comedy store and because i haven't been there in seven months this woman's lost a lot of money i used to do a sunday night show there where she made like 20 25 000 a month you know so that's a little bit of income out of her pocket you know so they're not big sam fans down there right now

and uh what it was was that there was a party held now this was of course back way back when we did drugs and stuff like that and there was a party held at the bungalow and i attended it that's all i showed up it was like four or five comedians that had run this week and said you ought to come by and i did i just showed up at the party and they were doing i'll tell you off there anyway they were doing like this controlled substances on the book wired oh good all right that's normal and then they drew the lines up to his nose so that if you were doing i

didn't do it i saw it done but if you were to do it you had to do the line like right up to his face and they're like yeah so i mean it was a real funny group of guys yeah carmen and that i mean but it wasn't my party i never rented a suite at the marmont isn't that a weird uh room to be in it for any reason well for you know i mean i'm telling you the people in hollywood especially comics and showbiz people are weird man they're dark dark stuff that goes on out there and you wouldn't take a jessica hahn there no of course that's not my move but i mean yeah this is way back too we're not talking like last year we're talking four or five years ago this went down like 84 really are these comedians we would know no no no i'm not listening to the comedy store and then uh had your ticket stubs torn by him

you're in the air all right wait a second

you're in the air with

hey how you doing hey i'm rocking and rolling brother hey how are you it's great to talk to three comedic geniuses i'm here with the gods of radio hey all right listen sam while you're in town uh there's a chinese restaurant right down the road that i think you should try they have really good soup it's called cream of some young guy cream of some young guy i've been there i like the i prefer ordering the one well hung young gay guy all right thanks for your call i'm sure sam will stop in for a drink and we'll see you next time

you're in the air with sam

birthday about three weeks ago and i told my wife about five weeks ago when i first heard a concert i said boy honey it would really be nice to go to this concert hey you're gonna beg aren't you oh yeah in the worst way oh that was good that was good that was pretty good

we need a limited amount of a controlled substance so maybe we could trade out corn fungus once again deal it's an uncultured uh you know what i mean yeah it's a joke the theater's gonna be ringed with uh agents tonight it's gonna look like a blues brother's scene i'm going home you made your bed now you will wake up and it was some black guy fondling your genitals sticking his finger up your ass because i ain't gonna be in cook county jail tomorrow but seven powdered eggs but sam is that unusual for you not on any morning well no i live with two girls you met them sabrina malik and my babies or the whores as rolling stone call them the whores that's nice yeah they're really good class man what a class rag although they're both your girlfriends yeah i love them both equally

the good news is i've never been more in love with my life

but and they can deal with that i do they have so far yeah yeah there's no there's no at the same time uh if you're getting into that sexual fantasy that every man has yes yes there's nothing like waking up with them side by side

oh my god and they wonder why i can never go back to the church again sam you have an image please don't tarnish it here don't tarnish it here all right i'm sorry i was out of line let me draw another one yeah you take it i'm giving you you take you take the drumstick i can't keep up with you does this guy get tickets i think he needs to beg more beg like a dog beg like a dog i won't bring my wife i promise i won't get her nothing for a birthday that's the deal well we only have two i tell you i submit to the gods of radio no begging let me move on i submit to the radio gods i'm sorry sorry no begging a radio god and he's not smart enough to know that sam would want his wife there that's true share your wife with you you want to get the tickets for that like sam he might be in the front row yelling all night you don't need that that's true too you know without a woman there to keep him in line hello you're in the air with sam hi sam yeah he'd just be screaming alphabet alphabet alphabet

oh i'm here in psycho heaven man how are you doing uh pretty good hey i need you to yell at my girlfriend well that's a an astronomical fee believe me that's the guy that's the promoters in milwaukee these guys they meant well but they booked my show last night across the street from the uh the bucks the bucks yeah you know 22 000 concert paying fans so the place i was supposed to play she'd like six and it was like three so there's a promoter somewhere in his bathroom going oh oh oh oh

the lesson is always read the sports schedule yeah before you book a sam show yeah because there are a lot of people that would come to your show we're going yeah you know milwaukee's a crazy yeah they love their sports yeah well i'm sure that you cut the guy a nice discount on your fee you always do sam oh yeah just give me half give me half that's all i want well it's we have a new we just tell them to deal with my my management out in hollywood that never gives anything back it's not me i've got to take the money it's not me that's what we tell people in hollywood that's a

bill thousand and we're gonna need that in cash by the way call howard is that the guy that i call yeah howard coffin yeah well partner to eight early days off you're online management pep yeah you don't have that problem here tonight you've been sold out for weeks well chicago i'm in the i'm Steve and Garry’s friend i'm here the radio gods i've been blessed by the radio gods oh sam the last time i did your show and i did it was a poplar creek yeah yeah right i did the show right we had what 1800 walk up really yeah we get no check no check comes our way i've got something that's better than a check mr jenison oh my god all right we have somebody on the phone and we have to do uh traffic and commercials hello all right Steve and Garry yeah yeah how are you doing now you wanted him to yell at your girlfriend yes i had bought her tickets for uh sam  show yeah and um as an early valentine and she broke up with you well yeah basically

very unthoughtful valentine present oh see she didn't know because i know she's a big sam kettison fan but she didn't think that was appropriate she wanted flowers and i gave her tickets to your show beat her tie her down basically beat her i need her with the drinks that's what i need you need more on the screen what's her name uh first name first name's fine we don't want every serial killer in chicago this first name's man that'll do what's her name tina you won't give me the tickets back so i can't go to the show oh why can i say bitch wait a minute did she break up with you because you gave her Sam Kinison tickets but uh things were leading up to that but she kept the tickets yeah

yeah i'll tell you what if i see it with another guy she's dead now yeah i know she's not going to speak what's her first name tina tina tina wherever you are you're a jerk you don't deserve this man if i was you i would go out and look for some new action what do you think steve um i mean seriously man give the tickets back even if you don't want to go to the show she didn't hold your tickets you got to go in and you ought to use her hair like the bridle of a horse and give her some sex like marlon brando what did what i jacked come here you scum fucking

where's the tickets oh

no i beg your pardon i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i didn't beg you for the tickets oh dude i'm telling you lock her in a bedroom and do her for about three days straight will i ever walk again i don't know all right there's your uh plan thank you for calling wait wait did you get rid of him yeah we should give him some tickets maybe oh wait hello hello hello hey any man now any man that can't control his woman enough to get a ticket do we respect him i guess we can see why she broke up with him yeah he's got other problems he shouldn't be going to the achievers you know they want guys to get things done they want radio gods they say they don't they say they don't but they really do they do they do and here's leslie right leslie oh she's in her tv uh mode right now oh wait no are you there goes up there and pulls her hair back like the mane on a horse

does it now time

play on 1000 with Stevegary meyer and sam kinison and and humbly humbly proud to be here with the the gods of radio we're glad to have you and you're the greatest same i would the last time you came through we don't need any callers let's just blow each other all right me first me first oh i'm sorry i gotta go did we have a daisy chain did we have come on did we have the uh brian wilson tape last time he was here i don't think i remember when you made me uh cough before yeah you made me made me laugh so hard i felt it down on my balls

a similar incident with brian wilson when he was here it was like talking to a corpse oh man yeah yeah it was frightening i heard her all his face doesn't move at the same time and it was it was really sad because they were making him go out and promote the album you know man that's sick but i know i know record companies there are like there was like a muppet yeah i want to talk about your record company and that sticker and stuff oh yeah oh employees at the record company don't like the materials so you can't say bs but you can imply bs So they go to management and they say that they won't have anything to do with the album, like shipping it and racking it and all that, unless they put a sticker on it.

Well, it was members of the gay and homosexual community that were very upset. And I went too far. And they wanted the album stickered and they wanted children warned. So they want to have all their First Amendment rights, but you can't have yours, right? Yeah, because of their sexual preference. They want their own political party or something. I don't understand that. And I've maintained my constitutional right to be convinced. Sam, I think you might want to join Garry and I. We started a little thing called Doggy Styles for Democrats. There you go. Yeah, exactly. Because we do a doggy style exclusively.

And anybody that doesn't, you know, and I think we should have a special preference when we go out looking for jobs. We should have a special employment form because of the sexual, you know. See, I can't get used to one woman anymore. I'm ruined. I'm gone ever since the twins. We got the big hetero parade down Michigan Avenue every summer. Yeah, you know what I mean? The sexual preference should establish that. You're different than the rest of us. Hey, we all do weird stuff in the bedroom. Yeah, I agree 100%, man. And I don't understand it. I mean, weird stuff. I know. I'm a nasty guy. I'm Mr. Devious. Are you? Yes. Really? Come on, baby. Sam, can you see? Yes. The fish is dead. What are you worried about?

It's a red snapper. Get it? Oh, Sam. There's been some nasty things done. Listen to when we almost lost Brian Wilson here. All right. Really, maybe we should just go out and have some fun. Well, that'd be a good idea. Maybe, you know, back to the good old days. The wild days. The tent. The tent in the living room. That kind of stuff. Oh, yeah. In other words, get crazy. Just kind of get crazy. Yeah. But, you know, with some moderation, huh? Because you've learned moderation. Yeah. Well, if you intend to have a blowout, then don't count me in. No. No. Not a blowout. No. Just short of a blowout. All right. Just short. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nobody will have to call the paramedics or anything. Just some fun. You know? Well, maybe we better not. I think we should.

That's Brian? Yeah. Oh.

Want some water? Here you go, Brian.

Oh, my God.

Oh, man. I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry. I had him here. I must have known. Oh. You all right? I'm okay. I just had a. I have a cough. Help me, Rhonda. Help. Help me. He sounded like you for a second there. Oh, man. Or me. Got any cough drops? You will wear my mark. You will wear my mark. Anyway, it was kind of a sad thing. Yeah. God. All those songs. But I don't understand that. You know, why can't people respect other people's opinions and their right to say whatever they want? It's just. It's interesting. Yeah. Harvey Fierstein. Harvey Fierstein can do a movie. Yeah. Where I have to watch Matthew Broderick take his tongue in his mouth. That's all right.

That's okay. There's no sticker of that. Let's let him do Letterman and let him be on the, you know, receive an ass award. An ass award? Is that an ass award? An ass award. Yes.

Yeah. That's all right. That's okay. But because I say, they say heterosexuals die of age. Name what? Yeah. Now, all of a sudden, this is the most. Yeah. It's the most hideous joke ever told everywhere. Yeah. How can he say that? It's the first joke of the most drinking human blood. Oh, man.

All I said was name one. Because you don't consciously think of guys, you know, And now they made you put a whole AIDS thing inside. Yeah. They did that. I had nothing to do with that. They went over my head. I found out about what everybody else did. I was like, oh, wow. That's nice. And AIDS fact sheet. He goes, AIDS victims need good support. And they need, you know, of course they do. Like, I don't want a cure for AIDS. I want a cure for AIDS. You're doing some comedy. You're trying to lighten the mood a little bit. I miss having sex. I miss having sex with total strangers. You know, I want that thing cleared up.

No, no, no. That's epidemic proportions. Yeah. Yeah, you're doing some comedy. You're trying to lighten the mood a little bit. But like I said on the stone, if they think that straight America doesn't resent the gay community for the spread of this disease, they're way off and they're wrong. Because we do.

Thank you. And, you know, I've always said the thing is, what happens is. A lot of times people don't want to hear what's really happening, you know. They don't, man. Is the album selling? The album is selling. We're almost gold. We're over four. All right. That's since November 8th. So I guess it didn't really matter after all, the sticker and all, huh? No. Don't buy this. Really don't buy this. It's like, it's like what God told Adam and Eve. Don't give him the apple. Eat every tree but this one. But why did you have to put that in my head? Wait till he falls asleep. I remember the tree. Wait till he falls asleep.

Want to bring Bruce up here? Sure. Yeah. Or do commercials. You're sitting over there today. In the radio gods. You know it's happening. In the radio gods. Is anybody hungry? Do you need anything to eat? Why not? Want to do another pizza? Sure. Let's do it. We call Geno's. We get a couple of pizzas. All right. We're ordering. That'd be the move. Are you kidding? We'll be here till six o'clock if you do that. All right. That's the move. Let's do it. We'll take care of some business tonight. And then Bruce Wolfe. I'm back with Bruce, yeah.

Hey, 1,000. Steve and Garry and Sam Kinison here and Bruce Wolfe should be on the sports line.

That's what we call it in the radio business. That's what we call the sports line. All right. All right. The sports line. Checking out the sidelines. Oh, that's too much of a sports line for me.

What's happening, Bruce? Well, if I could just go quickly through this because I always get nervous when Sam is on. Why? I really have nothing to offer. I mean, I was looking for, you know, like maybe a Greg Louganis sharing a needle with Brian Boitano's story to fit the occasion. But I couldn't find any. Aim on my drink. Rush. Smell this, honey. What's that? Guys, my nightmare is starting to recur again. Please. Yeah, this is. Yeah, you do get nervous. Bruce, you know, that was questionable. The last time you did. Maybe. All right. How about that? And Bruce leaves the country. It's me. It's me in the Boitano family in a courtroom somewhere. I didn't say it. I don't know. I wasn't. Gary was at the controls. He didn't hit the dump. But I didn't do anything. Don't take away everything I've worked for. That's why Gary's on the controls today. That's the move. All right. I don't have to make any executive decisions. I can just sit over here and be bad. I think I saw this movie once with Jack Oakey and Jimmy Cagney. He's like, Vice President. He signed everything.

Yeah. I don't have to make any decisions. I can just sit here and be bad with you. It's all right, pal. We'll get you out. I promise you. I'll take care of your wife and everything. It's only five years.

Yeah, I saw that movie, too.

I guess Gary didn't.

So far, you've only made about three mistakes that I can count, Garry. What are the other two? I don't think we should bring them back up on the air.

Hey, Bruce. I was looking for some leopard jokes or something. Maybe about a hockey player with a face off in the corner. You know, one of those standard old ones. But I couldn't find any, so I'll just briefly, quickly. I noticed there's an interview with you in the new Illinois Entertainer. You saw that one? The accidental sportscaster? I haven't read it yet. I just saw your name on the cover. Me and then Frank Zappa. We go together. Yeah. I've got a daughter named Moon Unit, too. Oh, wow. Hello. Bruce considers doing the sports and being on the air like a wet t-shirt contest, like riding a mechanical bull. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Much like golf weight. It's considered comedy. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's just like a wet t-shirt contest.

Oh,

I want to beat that guy, too. I just want to beat him. Yeah, I do, too. He really irritates me. Oh, he gets under me, man. Don the horse.

It was John Candy. Can I do it over the phone? I don't know if you can. All right, I'll do it. I'll do it.

It says here, Bruce Wolfe, the barrister of baseball. The fan's man behind the microphone. Ah. Is that some sort of a homosexual reference to you, Bruce? The fan's man behind the microphone? He may know something I don't. Chicago TV radio broadcaster, Bruce Wolfe, brings a refreshing perspective to the all-too-self-important state of pro sports.

Well, Bruce, isn't it nice to be perceived in print? It's wonderful. I was looking at my Rolling Sewer Stone copy here to the same end. Illinois Entertainer is the poor man's Rolling Stone. Yeah, it's the Illinois Rolling Stone. Well, I'm not going to put them down because they actually put me on the cover, I think, this month, and actually did a good article on me. Yeah? Yeah, not this one, but it's the last one, January. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that was a nice article. This is Bruce here, in case you want to know. Oh, Bruce. Oh, your sweater. Bruce Wolfe. I want it. His legs crossed. I want it. Just sitting on the floor. Okay, I see what I want for dinner tonight. He's meditating. Am I wearing black socks with those sneakers? No, white socks. You just look like you're plotting something nasty and devious.

That involves a lot of K-Y-J. Okay. Sam, do the alphabet. Do the alphabet for me. B-C-F-E-H. K-Y-J-K. I can't take it anymore.

Wait till you get to T-Bed. That's when they really go nuts. Hold off. Hold off till T. I picture Bruce and the wife at the show tonight. Which stands for Tower. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. That's it.

To me, it was bold enough just to listen to the cassette in a car with my wife. Hey, that new album is great, by the way. Thank you very much. I edited that myself. It is unbelievably hysterical. I edited it myself. We can't play a lick of it on the air except for a while.

This one, the first one, I didn't get to edit. This one. This one, I said, I'm editing this myself. It's going to come out the way I want it to. It's not so choppy. Night and day, man. Night and day. And that line in Wild Thing about tasting what other men had for lunch. You're going to have to try pretty hard to beat that one. You've got to get drunk and high to come up with lyrics like that. High up on Mulholland Drive. Yeah, there it is. That's what I'm saying. They had some snow out in your neighborhood last night. God is coming down on your little town, finally. They shouldn't have messed with the comedy God and the radio God. Gosh, man. Sam killed a cat on his way into Milwaukee. That's right. They'll kill all their crops. Yeah, yeah. Film Little House on the Snow Prairie now. I like that. Is it funny now? Hollywood!

All right, what's happening, Bruce? Well, just briefly, kudos to Jack Brickhouse on his mention in Herb the Cups column today. Brick is on a mean streak. He's probably had about a dozen mentions in a row and at least 15 out of the last 18 mentions in the Derby with Sid Luckman. Sam, you won't get some of this. It's local stuff. It's very local. We have to stay here every day. I'm starting to look like a dog. I'm starting to look like the RCA dog.

Jack Brickhouse? Herb the Cups. I knew a woman who was built like one once.

I'll just give you the score right now. The happy totals, Brick, 4,956, Sid Luckman, 4,947, and Bob Sirrott, one mucho talented mention. Yeah, the kiss of death. Ozzie Guillen signed for $800,000 today. Come on. Yes, he did. Come on. $800,000. You mean pesos. I spent that on breakfast. You mean pesos. Pesos. And Dwight Gooden. Now, there's a national name signed for three years. Go to the rosin bag. A little too much, that boy was. $6.7 million. Faster? Yeah, I can throw it faster. I can throw it faster, yeah.

And another item in Cups column, John Madden and Pat Summerall have signed up again at CBS. Bruce, is your wire machine broken or something? Well, I've got other stuff here, but I thought I'd stop with Cups today. John Madden and Pat Summerall have signed up again at CBS for $1.7 million each. Is that right? Yeah, Pat Summerall's True Value, speaking of which, I hear Pat is going to be dumped as True Value's spokesman because True Value is pulling almost all its sports advertising.

Yeah, because that's the last thing you want to be reminded about when you're watching a football game, that you have work around the house to do. Your wife sees it and goes, hey, go get a hammer. Or she might tell you to barbecue something on the Weber grill and you can't even watch anything.

You've got to avoid those commercials. Is that it? There you have it. Thank you, Bruce. Bruce, do what you have to do. Sam's a professional. He knows some of this stuff. All right, one last thing. Because we share that perceived in print thing, man. Oh, sure. You guys are hot. You're doing the Buku print right now. Did you see where this West German court has cleared the way for one of the country's soccer teams to wear jerseys with advertising for a condom? I hope the team is named the Wienerschnitzels. Wasn't there a recent uproar? There you go. Now you're seeing. Now you're playing. Wienerschnitzels! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Wasn't there a recent uproar in West Germany over a hockey team wearing jerseys that had the emblem of Gaddafi's book on them? And we here in America worry about Jim McMahon endorsing Nike or whatever on a headband. I'd like to see Major League Baseball teams with condom advertising on their jerseys. Wouldn't you like to see the pitcher toe the rubber? Be kind and kinky. At least have the USC football team sponsored by a condom company. The Trojans. Exactly. The Bears sponsored by a condom company. That would be something. That would give new meaning to Otis Wilson being left off the protected list. Ah!

Oh! Oh! There you go. And this is uncut. I'm doing my own editing right here. This is Bruce. This is his raw. It's raw. It's raw. Bruce Raw, ladies and gentlemen. He's wearing the leather right now.

Wild thing. But Otis Wilson left off the protected list. He's going to start rolling around in a pit with Robin Brantley snoozing.

And we'll watch. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, Otis. Did I say he was left off the protected list? Yeah, you did. You did, yeah. That's stretching it a bit.

If you know what I mean. If you know Otis there. So, uh. Why? So, Otis got a big one? What are you trying to say? He's the most well-endowed of the Bears, yes. Oh, he is? Yeah. But they're cutting him. So, apparently the owner, the little white owner couldn't take it. Couldn't take that hose. All right, man. Say, Mama, what's happening? He's considered basically a leper. You know, I think. I'm embarrassed. I think it was Lewis and Clark on the Lewis and Clark expedition that said, if you don't have a big one, the next best thing is a best friend who does. Thank you. But generally, I think it was on the Lewis and Clark expedition. I think so.

My wife's going to kill me. I mean, I wasn't even going to bring home the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue this year. But now I talk to Sam.

And plus, you're dirty right now. You're very dirty. I know. You can go right to a detox center. Fox 32 News moving to 9 o'clock again. Oh, you're getting jerked around again, huh? I just can't seem to make it work. You're getting whiplash from being moved around so much over there? I've worked in only one television job, but if I ever go for another one, I can say that I worked on the 7 o'clock news, the 11 o'clock news, the 9 o'clock news, the 7 o'clock news, and then the 9 o'clock news again. It's like a crap game. Come on, 7. We roll the 7, we roll the 11. Give up and run some more Brady Bunch episodes.

He's on a UH. He's on Channel 32 here doing the news. It's the Fox station here. They're not having a lot of luck. Well, that's not the one Arsenio's on, is it? He used to be. Yeah, he used to be. He's on the CBS affiliate. He's like on a four or five-time loser streak with talk shows, isn't he? But they keep giving him money. Yeah, he's doing it for paramount. When can we see Sam Kiddison on Sajak's show? Well, he already had Goldthwait on there. Would you go on and stab him? No, Sajak came to my New Year's Eve show at the amphitheater, and he used to come watch me. I tuned in, and I saw Goldthwait. I might even have returned the favor and went on his show, but no.

He had Goldthwait on there. He set his comedy standards too low, and I killed the cat. I put the curse on him, so I figure he'll be off by May, April, May. You're going to do Letterman Friday, right? Letterman Friday, so I can expose this. This rag for what it is. And we're trying to find Brandmeier. He had the author of the article in Rolling Stone on. I didn't hear the interview. We're trying to find him to find out what happened, but did you hear it, Bruce? I heard a little bit of it, yeah. Yeah, what'd he say? Was there anything you can repeat or remember? I thought that, you know, he took it in good humor. Yeah, you know. He threatened his life, and he said he was going to sue you for that or press charges. Oh, I wish he would. That's what I heard. I wish he would. I heard Brandmeier talk about it. It's a little hard to press charges when you have a notepad and you're scribbled handwriting.

And your thing is a comedian. This guy doesn't want to take me to court. You left it on his machine? No, I talked to him directly. You talked to him live. Yeah. So he made his little note. That Sam kid is a. Oh, my God. What? What happened? Don't kill me. Please don't take my watch. He's not a man. He's not from Illinois, first of all. Don't take my watch. Illinois, we don't write letters of disapproval or how I did not enjoy art. In Illinois, we find your house, we go to your house, we wait for you, and we bust you in the face. We hit you right in the mouth. Or we grab you by the throat, slam you in the wall. Keep you from breathing long enough to say, I told you not to write about my family.

That's how we do it in Illinois. Now, in that article, it says that you do this whole scenario where you're going to kill your ex-manager and you talk about. Yeah, he opens with that. That's real light hearted, fluffy stuff. And then you find out later that he didn't have an insurance policy on you. That doesn't make him a nice guy. He's still a jerk.

You were going to drag him out of his house and shoot him in front of his kids. It's my sense of humor. It's my sense of humor. I know that, and you know that. It was my sense of humor. Somebody who doesn't know is going to think that you're a murderer. He wants to take his manager out and shoot him in front of his kids in the head. What? This is a very sick man. I know. It's like, where's the laugh? But he didn't have the policy. So you went off a little half-baked. Yeah. No, well, I mean, I was gone on this guy ever since I took the movie deal that he screwed up. By the way, I have your movie. Oh, good. So I don't want to talk about it on the air, but seriously, I have a great idea. Oh, okay. And I don't want to. Bundy's story.

Bundy, the afterlife.

I don't want to impose upon our friendship, but I would like to run this by you at some point. I'll give you half the bodies now, if you give me extension, and I'll let you know where the other half are. Yeah. And I might even have a few extras stashed away someplace. What a move. What a legal move. Thank you, Bruce. Thank you, and break a leg tonight. Thank you, Bruce. But not your leg. He'll break somebody else's. Yeah, if he finds that author. Thanks. We'll be right back.

Hola, Garimo. Adonde vas? Vas. Vas al Esteban el Hat Danzo. El Hat Danzo? Si. El Restaurante el Hat Danzo? Si. Con mucho gusto? Mucho grande. Es un restaurante mucho grande. Si. Y servos luncho? Monday through Friday-o. Si. Y dineros? Sunday through Saturday-o. So bring your dinero. Si. Si. El Reservations-o. Exceptamente-o. And seis. Cuatro. Dueve. Zero, zero, seis, seis. Muy bien, Garimo. Muy bien. Muy bien, y tu. Gracias, Garimo. El Hat Danz es un restaurante en Toronto y? Orlinzo. In Chicago. Si. Garimo. Yes, Esteban.

Venga conmigo a la Hat Danz. Y let's eat.

Hat Danz at 325 West Toronto. Back to you, gentlemen. Steve, Gary, and Sammy. Keep it awfully quiet this afternoon. It's too full already. I'm going to just stay at my booth. Okay. You're welcome to come out anytime you'd like. Come on, you little closet. Yeah, Cliff, just jump in.

And we're taking some calls, I believe. Oh, great. We have one pair of front row tickets left to see Sam tonight. Yeah, we do. So let's see what happens. Sam Kinison. Hello. You're in the air. Hi. Just wanted to say hi to Sam. Hey, how you doing, man? Pretty good. How are you? I'm doing okay. I'm having fun. I'm with the radio gods.

We're looking for cats. You know, when we get to an animal shelter, it'll give us a good deal on cats. Sam kills them before. Sam, I do. Well, I like to take a cat's life before I go on for good luck. Sure. Whatever that means. Oh, yeah? Hey, I just wanted to thank you for all of the years of entertaining you've done. You've done a great job. You've entertained me several times. Well, thank you very much, man. And I love that movie that you put out, what, a year ago. I think it was the HBO series. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Thanks, man. Fantastic. I was proud of that, too. I'm trying to put another thing together that should be out near the spring or so. Oh, really? Yeah.

It's the Valentine's Day thing with Lenny Bruce's mom that I'm doing. Oh, great. I'm going to tape that, and then we'll sell it to somebody. I'm getting smarter as we go along. Yeah. Fantastic. I'm looking forward to seeing it then. Well, thank you. It'll be out because I'm going to ... I decided to control my own projects and edit my own stuff, make sure it comes out the way I want. They can sticker it. We can do a comedy. They can do whatever they want after that. Really? What do you do in comedy? You have to. You can't let people that aren't funny tell you what to do, because they don't know. They just don't know. Hey, Woody Allen's a great example.

Not that I'm any comparison to what he does, but I mean, you do have to control your own stuff. Because nobody else knows. If they knew, they'd be doing it. It'd be like an artistic director here going, now, Steve. Do you really want to say that, Steve? Yeah. It's like, yeah. Well, I've had a good time this afternoon listening to you guys. You're incredible. Plus, you start to second guess yourself, and then you fall apart completely. This is the most fun I have on radio is hanging out here with these guys. Oh, really? Yeah. You're listening to the right guys. You're the radio gods. I listen to them every day. This is the first time I've ever called. A little nervous. First time caller. Not talking to you guys. First time caller. Long time fan, sir. Pardon me? First time caller. Long time fan. That's what you say. Absolutely. There you go. Thank you. Absolutely. Thanks. Bye. Thank you.